Touched by an angel

I hate the night time. I hate being alone, and in the dark. So the lamp stays on all night long. And I see shadows. Sometimes I wonder if they are demons, coming to claim my soul, after everything I've taken from this world. I don't believe I am a good person. So when someone that has every reason not to trust u offers just a little comfort, a little love, it is essence like u have been touched by an angel. And I have gained so much knowledge from my angel. It is as if they were put here for me. My angel is sick right now. Please pray for them. It's been a while, and I don't really remember how...as strange as that sounds. But I am trying. On a different note, I am not feeling too bad. My wounds are still bleeding out a little. But it's a temporary flesh wound. I hope a life of meth is temporary too. Please remember to share your heart with the world. Love to all.

Sorry (reprised)

So I ended up cutting my wrists last night. My body was numb, as were my emotions and thoughts. I cut through a thin layer of skin, trying to split the vein. Unfortunately, the blade in my box cutter is extremely dull. I put an "t" or a cross on each wrist, (if u make a jagged edge cut, the paramedics or drs have a very hard time trying to sew the veins back together again.) Frustrated that I didn't cut the vein, and that I was going to wake up again tomorrow, I thrust the blade under my left eye, next to my nose. After that, I passed out. And what really hurts, Drew saw me unconcious on the bathroom floor for like 6 hours, and left me there:-( it's like nobody cares. He used the bathroom while I layed there. Said he just checked to make sure I was still breathing. He is the only person, the only family I have. And yet he didn't try to wake me up.
**************************************************************************************************I did write a note here last night. But decided to go back and delete that with this one. I am okay. But tired. I am sorry guys.

a good day

Finally...it's nice when we get those every now and then. I managed to sell two paintings. Didn't get as much as I wanted for them....told the lady to make me an offer. I got 400 for 2 oil based paintings. They both are large and had frames...could have gotten a lot more. One was of Mt. Shasta, the other was a landscape with a river. All the materials and frames probably cost around 150. And I understand it if the the people can't afford much...I have to understand. The landscape tag was 400 alone...oh well. I have to do whatever it takes. Maybe tomorrow I'll sell another one or couple. We'll see. Anyone need an artist? Oil, accrylic, watercolor, pastel, charcoal...leave me a message:-)

if not for having to wake up!

Finally slept, (about 5 hours Thursday afternoon, and 18 hours today)! My body was so tired. But the downfall is that I have to wake up...I didn't want to lift even an eyelid. Downers like meth just make u want to die practically all the time. (So for all u drama queens, any extra curricular activities u want to own up too?? Kidding, kidding). Hard times find us all at some point or another. But if u just hang on... maybe some light or maybe even an angel will find you. Never know. Hold on. Love to the world.

still no sleep

I still haven't slept, but I feel like after this post, I'll sleep for like 20 hours. Last night we did a little bud, (see, I am down grading!) Can't believe how well Drew can roll the joints. I had a little too much to drink...11 beers? 12? 15? I already forget. With the beer, the cush, and a little B&J and J&D, I was pretty spun. Oh well... so much for rehab, huh? Not much more to say. Going to bed now. G'nite everyone :-P

Crossing borders

In 2001 I found myself in Portland with a little bit of weed, a pack of smokes, and a glass pipe...and an address and phone number for a buddy. Those items were priceless to me. They ment more to me then the backpack that carried everything I had in this world. But I began to think about things that actually ment more but that I didn't possess. It's a true story, called crossing borders.

In Santa Fe and San francisco,
The church bells ring
Before the ashes smolder on
The pavement.
It is a beautiful sound,
As I lay in Portland,
Acknowledging the swears and cuss
I offered all the way here.

Outside the bus terminal,
Old men told lies.
One of their tales touched my ear.

"Your an illegal?"
"Yes".
"Aren't u afraid someone will report you"?
"No".
His eyes grasp u before he walks away.

In my mind, I see him
Crossing borders with his dreams in toe.
And I wish in some way
That I had such a worthy cause.

The first people to fall in love

Poem I wrote years ago inside an old Ford ecconoline van. At the time, the van was also "home" for me. It is my quiet yearning to feel a little love. Dedicated to all those that just want to feel love.

The light wind is
Nesting under my head tonight,
And I feel very light weight.

I am reminded,
Like I was the one that bore witness
To all the tragedies of the world,
Of the first people to fall
In love.

They must have felt confused,
Not knowing the effects of the
Pure emotions that assembled their
Fragmented hearts.

How lost the woman's eyes must have been
As she touched the caveman's hands
And openly read everything he has to say
Before he says it.

And what about the caveman-
How did he see her beauty?
He probably fell asleep on a
Cold, damp rock only
To wake up the next morning to
Find his beauty dead.

Sadly, the rest of the cavemen cry
And he sits alone
Disconcerted.