was it a dream?

I sit at home today, trying to break this buzz. Even the "meth monsters" have gone to bed. And I am just here, picking up a couple burnt cigarettes from the ground. They won't light tho. Oddly enough, I am not sure if it was real or just a desired dream-but I think I had a friend on the phone for a few hours last night, asking for help. I think she called someone for some information to get me some help. If that is the case, then I am scared shitless. But that fire inside may come back to life...we'll see. Afraid of being taken away and hurting or offending anyone else. Afraid of how long I will last in a lockdown hospital. Afraid of the treatment not working. Afraid of looking in a mirror or trying to open up and awknowledge all the issues associated with my substance abuse. Don't know if I am ready, but I'll find out soon enough. I feel pretty worthless right now. Not sure what else to say here.